Where's my buddy?

Where are you, Jim?

Another Bick Boatswain Post.

"The mark of my divinity shall scar thy DNA."- Brick Boatswain

Wait a second. Brick Boatswain didn't say that. Gil did when you fought him as the final Boss in Street Figher 3- 3rd Strike. And that's a picture of Q-Ball, one of the more successful white emcees.

So I got an e-mail from Brick Boatswain. I thought it was actually from Bricker, but as it started to unfold...I realized that I was laboring under a false pretense.

I can't do the e-mails justice...so I'll give you the high points of some of them. Here is the original post if you missed it.

Dear Robbery Joe,

Its me, Brick Boatswain. I don't think that I know you, since I live two time zones away and, while I've been to Las Vegas, have never lived in Nevada, but I would like to ask: why do you hate me? Or is there another Brick Boatswain out there, being a jerk and trying to ruin my good name?

Please let me know.

Sincerely yours,
Brick
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Dear Brick Boatswain,

I don't think you're Brick Boatswain.

Whether or not you are Brick Boatswain, you use commas when you shouldn't and don't use apostrophes when you should. Yet another reason why I can not stand the enigma that is Brick Boatswain.

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what can i say - i ain't no english major.

please tell your brick boatswain to stop being a jerkass, just to make sure that we don't have any confusions. i want a clean slate.

- b

(Here, I was confused, because he used his mind reading powers to find out I was an English Major, and he used the word Jerkass. So I thought he was Bricker.)

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The theory of Original Sin dashes your hopes tabula rasa Mr. Boatswain, and even if you don't subscribe to Catholic Doctrine, you know your sins are wide an varied.

You can not run from yourself or your own, dark past.

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yup - i'm definitely not your Brick Boatswain. i'm a 27 year old guy from missouri who lives in washington, d.c. now. have fun - b


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Are you not the same Brick Boatswain who had your own Website in the mid to late 90's?

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actually, yeah, now that you mention it, i did - why do you ask?

are you sure this isn't just some weird coincidence? - b


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Did you happen to get some hate mail that said a whole page of mean stuff about you because you were sad that a Smashing Pumpkins album was too short for the price you paid?

And the guy who wrote it called you fat, and then went on to talk about how Led Zepplin IV was the best album of all time even though it only had 9 songs?

(Now I'm doubting it's Bricker.)

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bingo - that's me.

i just paid $300 for a ticket to see the Pumpkins tomorrow night here in DC - I'm pretty excited.

I like Zeppelin, and have a decent collection of albums, but you have to remember that those were recorded at a different time, where there were tighter limits on how much music you could put on a record, and bands typically released albums more often than once every two years, which seems to be the norm nowadays. (Here, he mirrors my opinion on music, freaking me out.)


you're still angry about that? awesome. anything else you're angry about that has to do with me? (He thinks holding a grudge over something ridiculous and petty for several years is awesome. This guy has to be cool.)

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Holy cow, Bro!

I read that e-mail when I was like 14 and I thought it was the funniest thing I ever read. The blog that's blasting you is an homage to that e-mail.

Holy shit, you, Sir, have been a generic bad guy for the past 10 years because of that one e-mail.

Holy shit! You're THE Brick Boatswain. I'm honored.
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holy crap. glad i could provide a laugh, and that i could be your generic bad guy for so long. seriously - curiousity is absolutely piqued right now. this is awesome.

my friend actually emailed me this morning, and asked 'who is robbery joe, and why does he hate you?' your blog is about the second thing that shows up when you type my name into google. awesome.

(He talks like Jimmy from High School.)

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This is so weird, Man. Talking to you is like being confronted with a myth.

Holy crap, I'm awesome. That's funny, cause as far as I know, only like 7 people read my blog.

You mind if I put some of this conversation up as a post?

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go for it - i'm kind of strangely honored that Brick Boatswain, the Man, the Myth, the Legend actually exists, even if it is for the fact that i'm kind of an idiot.

awesome. purely awesome.

(He's right, you know. Having someone you've never met talk about you for 8 years is purely awesome.)

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I hope you appreciate what kind of bind this puts me in. I've used you as a comedic villain in a thousand hypothetical situations, now you come along and mess it all up by actually being cool?

The Brick Boatswain of fantasy is a bumbling tool. You're actually a well spoken, nice guy. Who's vocabulary is close to my own, and who's sense of what is awesome is eerily akin to my friends'.

Why must you do this, Brick Boatswain, Wrecker of Dreams?

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Wrecking dreams is what I do; its how I make a living. And while I appreciate your situation, you may see below for an opportunity to re-villfy Brick Boatswain.

Seriously - this is like an episode of Oprah: "Email Rivals Reunite".

This is cracking me up. How exactly did Brick Boatswain get used? Like, you see some piss on your toilet seat, so you just assume that Brick Boatswain was there? If some guy hits on your girlfriend, you immediately assume that he's Brick Boatswain?

Here, I'll give you some ammunition to discover my true inner toolness - http://thoraxmalone.blogspot.com/ my blog, which is about nothing, which I hardly ever update. The fact that my friends and I have a running joke about the hypothetical "Thorax Malone" has to say something in and of itself. There has to be some stuff in there that is worthwhile.

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There you go. That's how Brick Boatswain proved that he's not really a tool. He's actually pretty damn cool. And that's why he's still a bastard. Always proving me wrong. With a hand clenched in a fist of rage, I cry to the tumultuous heavens, "I'll get you, Brock Boatman!"

Quickie

Zebulon B. Vance (May 13, 1830- April 14 1894) was an American Civil War hero and three-time Governor of North Carolina. A prodigious writer, Vance became one of the most influential southern leaders of the Civil War and post-bellum periods.

I typed "Vance is a Hero" into Google image search. This is what came up. He's a mythic, C.P. Squires-esque hero. He was active during the Civil War, but was obviously a space traveler from the future. He was not simply a time traveler, because they have names like "Cabal" or "Bishop." People named Zebulon do have the ability to traverse time, but they need massive space ships to do so.

I'll have another, richer, bustier post soon, but this picture pretty much spoke for itself, and was bound to make Jimmy wet his pants (or someone else's). Too good not to post.

Unlikely Heroes

The Ubersänger, The UberLadie'sman, and Tony all walk into a bar...Ouch!



You know Nietzsche's "ubermensch," theory. The theory that there is an exemplary man somewhere. This Platonic man is the "Uberman," fantastic in all ways of life. I say Nietzche's view was a little narrow. Nietzche was a nhilist, so I understand his outlook being a little bleak.

I'm a worldly man and I've traveled far and wide meeting people that are fantastic to say the least. There's my dad, Richard Ditando, Earnest Hemmingway, Jimmy, Qui Chang Cane, Han Solo and LightSoul. Indeed, Ubermen are all over the place, being awesome, renovating history, and never getting the recognition they deserve.

Because of the abundance of Uberman, and Bricker's insatiable need to classify things into manageable categories, I've decided to give a few ubercategories which you may have overlooked. For instance Brian McMullan is our resident Uberpublican.

Don Henley: The Ubersänger

Don Henley is better than the Eagles, his collection of songs that utterly rock is larger than Joe Walsh's and he's actually better than Glenn Frye in every way. I need to say that I love Joe Walsh, and I really dig Glenn Frye. I like the Eagles, but I'd rather listen to any one of them solo than 88% of the music by the Eagles.


This begs the question how could a whole possibly be less than the sum of its parts? Wow...I didn't expect that. Bricker just explained how it's possible with physics. Apparently Henley, Meisner, Frye, Felder and Walsh are sub-atomic particles, and The Eagles are an atom...but I don't understand that. So we'll stick with my field of expertise: complex linguistic jokes.

It's simple, The Eagles, as a whole, are less than the sum of their parts because a hole by it's very nature must be so. The more component parts to take away from the hole the more it increases. Shut up, it was going to be funny before Bricker punctured my humor balloon with the ice-pick of fact.


Anyway, Boys of Summer kicks ass.

And i can see you
you brown skin shining in the sun
You got that hair slicked back and
Those Wayfarers on, baby

I love brown skinned women. I love Ray-Bans.

Out on the road today, I saw a Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac...

The Dead were a counterculture icon. A Cadillac is a status symbol. What's this? Henley commenting on his own generation? What's that Sir? The rebellious youths of your generation grew up to become captains of industry? Are you saying that liberals are only liberal because they want things to change, and then those who get their way become conservatives? But what does this do to my tenuous grasp on political ideology? That means there's no cleat cut right and wrong. That means that we should hear everyone out because both change and tradition have their merits. That means we should be wary of radicals no matter what their affiliation. Could this possibly be true about other areas of life? Religion? Work? Video games?

Mr. Henley, you're the reason why I'm a well-informed, responsible voter.

Don Henley is awesome, and he's a hell of a guy. Check this:

Phil Collins: The Uberladiesman

Woodsmen gather wood, Fishermen gather fish, Ladiesmen gather the ladies. And Phil Collins is a titan in the industry. He's not the best. He's been married three times, so he enjoys the luxury of monogamy, but he's simply too much man for one woman. So it never lasts. He seriously gets chicks left ant right, which anyone can do, but not anyone who looks like this:

Seriously, my friend here is some sort of mystical Joe Pesci/John Belushi/Paul Simon hybred. And the ladies love him, not to mention he's two steps below Christopher Walken on the dancing scale. His sense of humor puts him over the top. Hats off, Sir.

Tony: The Uberbetrüger

Who's had years of corporate training in passive aggression? Who can shake your hand and ask how your holiday went while secretly wishing a safe would fall in front of your car on your drive home, after you have a crappy day at work, causing you to veer off the road into a ravine of stagnant water containing species of interbred hairless-cat/cockroach mutants gifted with the power to control your mind making you think the slurping gurgles you're hearing as they eat your insides like soup sound like Neil Young singing Mandy Moore's greatest hits?

That's right, me.

Working here has given me a cynical view on the integrity of the human race to say the least. Most of the people I deal with are snakes, liars, backstabbers and general monsters. How do I stay afloat? I make friends with them. Having Irish heritage, I can drive away the snakes, usually with intimidation. But I can outlie the liars, making them think I'm "on the level." I'm too quick for the backstabbers, which gives them a good reason to respect me, and, being a D&D kid, monsters of all kinds are my specialty. They think my knowledge of their twisted ways comes from my own experiences, not careful observation of their ways.

So basically I outclass them in every way imaginable, even humility, which, taking this current statement into account, is quite incredible.

I am Robbery Joe, the Master Trickster.