Another Bick Boatswain Post.

"The mark of my divinity shall scar thy DNA."- Brick Boatswain

Wait a second. Brick Boatswain didn't say that. Gil did when you fought him as the final Boss in Street Figher 3- 3rd Strike. And that's a picture of Q-Ball, one of the more successful white emcees.

So I got an e-mail from Brick Boatswain. I thought it was actually from Bricker, but as it started to unfold...I realized that I was laboring under a false pretense.

I can't do the e-mails justice...so I'll give you the high points of some of them. Here is the original post if you missed it.

Dear Robbery Joe,

Its me, Brick Boatswain. I don't think that I know you, since I live two time zones away and, while I've been to Las Vegas, have never lived in Nevada, but I would like to ask: why do you hate me? Or is there another Brick Boatswain out there, being a jerk and trying to ruin my good name?

Please let me know.

Sincerely yours,
Brick
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Dear Brick Boatswain,

I don't think you're Brick Boatswain.

Whether or not you are Brick Boatswain, you use commas when you shouldn't and don't use apostrophes when you should. Yet another reason why I can not stand the enigma that is Brick Boatswain.

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what can i say - i ain't no english major.

please tell your brick boatswain to stop being a jerkass, just to make sure that we don't have any confusions. i want a clean slate.

- b

(Here, I was confused, because he used his mind reading powers to find out I was an English Major, and he used the word Jerkass. So I thought he was Bricker.)

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The theory of Original Sin dashes your hopes tabula rasa Mr. Boatswain, and even if you don't subscribe to Catholic Doctrine, you know your sins are wide an varied.

You can not run from yourself or your own, dark past.

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yup - i'm definitely not your Brick Boatswain. i'm a 27 year old guy from missouri who lives in washington, d.c. now. have fun - b


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Are you not the same Brick Boatswain who had your own Website in the mid to late 90's?

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actually, yeah, now that you mention it, i did - why do you ask?

are you sure this isn't just some weird coincidence? - b


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Did you happen to get some hate mail that said a whole page of mean stuff about you because you were sad that a Smashing Pumpkins album was too short for the price you paid?

And the guy who wrote it called you fat, and then went on to talk about how Led Zepplin IV was the best album of all time even though it only had 9 songs?

(Now I'm doubting it's Bricker.)

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bingo - that's me.

i just paid $300 for a ticket to see the Pumpkins tomorrow night here in DC - I'm pretty excited.

I like Zeppelin, and have a decent collection of albums, but you have to remember that those were recorded at a different time, where there were tighter limits on how much music you could put on a record, and bands typically released albums more often than once every two years, which seems to be the norm nowadays. (Here, he mirrors my opinion on music, freaking me out.)


you're still angry about that? awesome. anything else you're angry about that has to do with me? (He thinks holding a grudge over something ridiculous and petty for several years is awesome. This guy has to be cool.)

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Holy cow, Bro!

I read that e-mail when I was like 14 and I thought it was the funniest thing I ever read. The blog that's blasting you is an homage to that e-mail.

Holy shit, you, Sir, have been a generic bad guy for the past 10 years because of that one e-mail.

Holy shit! You're THE Brick Boatswain. I'm honored.
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holy crap. glad i could provide a laugh, and that i could be your generic bad guy for so long. seriously - curiousity is absolutely piqued right now. this is awesome.

my friend actually emailed me this morning, and asked 'who is robbery joe, and why does he hate you?' your blog is about the second thing that shows up when you type my name into google. awesome.

(He talks like Jimmy from High School.)

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This is so weird, Man. Talking to you is like being confronted with a myth.

Holy crap, I'm awesome. That's funny, cause as far as I know, only like 7 people read my blog.

You mind if I put some of this conversation up as a post?

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go for it - i'm kind of strangely honored that Brick Boatswain, the Man, the Myth, the Legend actually exists, even if it is for the fact that i'm kind of an idiot.

awesome. purely awesome.

(He's right, you know. Having someone you've never met talk about you for 8 years is purely awesome.)

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I hope you appreciate what kind of bind this puts me in. I've used you as a comedic villain in a thousand hypothetical situations, now you come along and mess it all up by actually being cool?

The Brick Boatswain of fantasy is a bumbling tool. You're actually a well spoken, nice guy. Who's vocabulary is close to my own, and who's sense of what is awesome is eerily akin to my friends'.

Why must you do this, Brick Boatswain, Wrecker of Dreams?

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Wrecking dreams is what I do; its how I make a living. And while I appreciate your situation, you may see below for an opportunity to re-villfy Brick Boatswain.

Seriously - this is like an episode of Oprah: "Email Rivals Reunite".

This is cracking me up. How exactly did Brick Boatswain get used? Like, you see some piss on your toilet seat, so you just assume that Brick Boatswain was there? If some guy hits on your girlfriend, you immediately assume that he's Brick Boatswain?

Here, I'll give you some ammunition to discover my true inner toolness - http://thoraxmalone.blogspot.com/ my blog, which is about nothing, which I hardly ever update. The fact that my friends and I have a running joke about the hypothetical "Thorax Malone" has to say something in and of itself. There has to be some stuff in there that is worthwhile.

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There you go. That's how Brick Boatswain proved that he's not really a tool. He's actually pretty damn cool. And that's why he's still a bastard. Always proving me wrong. With a hand clenched in a fist of rage, I cry to the tumultuous heavens, "I'll get you, Brock Boatman!"