A Perfect Life

Here are two pictures of what I want out of life.

Two things are absolutely essential for a perfect life.






















1. Beaches

2. A hot wife

Beaches are essential because beaches have water, sand, fishes, rocks and air. In short, all the things
one needs to survive.

A hot wife is also essential. A regular wife is not sufficient. A hot wife is necessary for several reasons, to make your friends jealous, to be aesthetically pleasing, and to help you keep it up.

There are two flaws in these pictures, and they are interrelated. The first flaw is that the girls are not Hispanic. Hispanic women are better than white women because in general they are prettier, and they almost always cook better. Up with Hispanic women. Jenny, we're fighting today, I think, but I love you anyway, and I'm sending you a link to this post so you can read it.

The second flaw is that the couples are not interracial. Interracial couples are better than same-race couples because they produce genetically superior offspring. Natural law dictates that diversifying your genes gives you better offspring, creating a truly superior race. Eat that you Nazigoatsuckers.

Once you've got the basics down, a hot wife and a beach, there are a few things you need to obtain true perfection. The first, is an animal companion, preferably a male, and equally preferably, a dog, gazelle, horse, unicorn, tiger, dragon, platypus or, if you're lucky enough, a bear. Cause...let's face it...women are confusing, stubborn, and wrong most of the time. Also, they like to be alone. We don't like to be alone. So, if you're sick of your woman, or she's in one of those moods, make her go sit somewhere and enjoy being alone, and then, you can play with your dog/marmot/umber hulk/whatever. Animal companionship is important.

Next, proper attire. Shirts, for men, are strictly forbidden, and for women they are frowned upon. As we can see in picture 2, cargo pants are acceptable, but a utilikilt is the best possible option, because it combines the two manliest garments: cargo pants and kilts. Remember, you can carry an entire six-pack of beer in a utilikilt. If you choose to do so, go with bottles, they stay cold longer and they don't seem to fizz as much when you open them.

Lastly, children. Kids are cool under certain conditions. Fist you should be 30+/- 3 years of age. Second, your wife should be willing to make out with you as your kid runs around like a retarded goose. It takes a special woman to do this, cause a lot of times women are born brain damaged. Hot women rarely think they're hot. Conversely, women who do think they are hot are usually fat, diseased, deformed, or worse. Back to hot women. Hot women usually think they are ugly, and once they have a kid, they know that their husbands think they are fat and gross forever after. I don't have a way to fix this, I just thought you should be prepared...Patrick. You're going to end up with the hottest wife probably, besides me. You have the next best taste in women.

That about covers it. But wait. You know what? You want to know one more little bit of happiness? Something that can put your perfect life over the top? Okay, I'll tell you. If you have a woman that really loves you. I mean really loves you. She'll wear this:


Yeah...It's a chainmail bikini. Yes, in the idea situation your woman will be clad in chainmail, twin daggers strapped to her sweet caramel colored thigh. You'll be back to back, with her, broadsword in hand fighting off the mutant squid/bat hybrids crawling out of the ocean just before sundown on your little beach in post-apocalyptic Big Sur California. Sure, Big Sur is a pine forest now, but after the bell tolls well...you'll see.